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~Gary-Michaels.com: Let's Rake Some Muck



~The Fun, The Whack And The Truly Trivial

Mildly Updated 10/24/03 (I'm So Behind On These Pages)



If you appreciate the irony of Erik Estrada doing local TV commercials for a "prepaid telephone service" called "Smoke Signal Communications." then you'll feel right at home here. (And if you didn't get the dual irony, "Ponch's" career lasted exactly two minutes short of a 17~minute prepaid phone card and "smoke signals" are how Erik actually communicates in general.) PS: "Ponch" is looking a lot more like "Paunch" these days.





Let's Open With Some Fun

The Funniest Men Alive or Deceased

Richard Jeni (4/14/57 - 3/10/07): WAY Too Young (49)
But here's a terrific, frequently-updated Jeni blog:
Richard Jeni Info BlogSpot

Homer J. (Jay) Simpson (and Matt Groening)

Aaron McGruder (The Boondocks)

Dennis Miller (and THAT'S despite the fact that Denny's now a conservative
in Dubya's (death)camp -- now THAT's frightening)





Now, Let's Rake Some Muck!

The most dangerous man in America continues to be Antonin "Mad Dog" Scalia, whose seat on the Supreme Court is just to the right of Hitler's. And Clarence "I said over and over and over in my Senate confirmation hearings that I have absolutely no agenda, no opinions on Roe v. Wade, gay rights, the First and Second Amendments and other stuff they asked me about, and yet somehow I've voted with Scalia 95% of the time that I've held this seat ~ and I'll be holding it for quite a few more years: I'm a young man" Thomas...

But here's what Clarence "Lumpy" Thomas's best buddy on the Court has to say on gay marriage; Mad Dog's convinced that America hasn't changed in the two-plus centuries that have transpired since our founding fathers drafted the Constitution, which his team of demi-gods is tasked with interpreting -- I guess I'm glad that he hasn't managed to overturn voting rights for blacks and women: second- and third-class entities until the 20th century. On to the genius at work...


Scalia Ridicules Court's Gay Sex Ruling Thu Oct 23, 9:32 PM ET


By ANNE GEARAN, Associated Press Writer WASHINGTON - Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia (news - web sites) ridiculed his court's recent ruling legalizing gay sex, telling an audience of conservative activists Thursday that the ruling ignores the Constitution in favor of a modern, liberal sensibility.

The ruling, Scalia said, "held to be a constitutional right what had been a criminal offense at the time of the founding and for nearly 200 years thereafter."

Scalia adopted a mocking tone to read from the court's June ruling that struck down state antisodomy laws in Texas and elsewhere.

Scalia wrote a bitter dissent in the gay sex case that was longer than the ruling itself. (The italics are mine).

On Thursday, Scalia said judges, including his colleagues on the Supreme Court, throw over the original meaning of the Constitution when it suits them.

"Most of today's experts on the Constitution think the document written in Philadelphia in 1787 was simply an early attempt at the construction of what is called a liberal political order," Scalia told a gathering of the Intercollegiate Studies Institute.

"All that the person interpreting or applying that document has to do is to read up on the latest academic understanding of liberal political theory and interpolate these constitutional understandings into the constitutional text."

Scalia is a hero of conservatives who favor a strict adherence to the actual text of the Constitution.

The 50-year-old Intercollegiate Studies Institute is a private conservative education organization that sponsors lectures and conferences and scholarships. The group says its mission is to, "enhance the rising generation's knowledge of our nation's founding principles — limited government, individual liberty, personal responsibility, free enterprise (news - web sites) and Judeo-Christian moral standards."

ISI draws much of its funding from conservative foundations, including three controlled by or associated with billionaire philanthropist Richard Mellon Scaife, a vehement critic of former President Clinton (news - web sites).

Scalia spoke after standing with some 800 others to recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

The Supreme Court announced last week that it will hear a case testing the constitutionality of the current version of the pledge as it is recited in public schools and that Scalia will not take part.

Scalia apparently sidelined himself because of remarks he made earlier this year critical of a lower court ruling in the case. The San Francisco-based 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals (news - web sites) had found the pledge was unconstitutional in public school classroom because of the phrase, "one nation, under God."

The Supreme Court could decide to strip the words "under God" from the patriotic oath or rule that the mention of God does not violate the notion of separation of church and state.




Have you ever considered the certainty that, had William Peter Blatty's most excellent "The Exorcist" failed miserably both in book and film form, we'd never have even heard of Stephen King? Or worse: had to watch the TV movies based on his works? "It"? "The Stand"? Alas, "Sometimes They Come Back." And Back. And... well, you sniff the aroma.

So here are the horror genre begats: Edgar Allan Poe begat H.P. Lovecraft who begat Shirley Jackson, who begat Richard Matheson, who begat Rod Serling, who begat William Peter Blatty, who begat Stephen King, who begat the awful Dean Koontz, who gratefully begat the greatest of all of the latter~day horror writers: the perfect Clive Barker (despite his films: read his words)...

And speaking of Clive Barker ~ let's move forward, shall we? Let's see some violence!



The Best Hockey Fight I've Seen

Darren McCarty vs. Claude "The Turtle" Lemieux: March 26, 1997; Joe Louis Arena




The Nation's Most Dangerous Man
(Apart from Clarence "Lumpy" Thomas, of Course)

Michael Alan Weiner": you may know him as "Michael Savage" -- and savage he is. A New York Jewish boy (and if you've read anything on this site you know that I couldn't care less about the "Jewish" part, except for the fact that this not-so-phantom menace sounds like the most vehement racist fundamentalist Christian you've heard, and only admits his heritage when one of his Rome-style clones says, "I know you're a Christian, Mike") who changed his moniker from his much more appropriate maiden name, Weiner. Guess that sounded too much like "wiener"... this cat makes the rotund windbag, Limbaugh, look like a Clintonista. At least MSNBC had the decency to fire his ass in July, 2003 (after Weiner-boy told a gay caller to "get AIDS and die")...

That said, I'd still fear the so-called Savage Nation of racist, homophobic, anti-feminist, REAL AMERICA-opposed clownies.


And Speaking of Comedy

Can someone please explain to me how, when Ellen DeGeneres outs herself as a lesbian, the TV viewing public is appalled. And this at the same time the long~un-outed but clearly a lesbian ~ the lamentable and extremely obnoxious Rosie ("Look! Here's another picture of my adorable adopted kid!") O'Donnell ~ was considered America's TV sweetheart? Sheesh. Wake up, folks. (This one's way outdated but still obscene).



Best Online Article re: the Most Excellent Passing of America's Most Powerful Racist this Side of Antonin "Mad Dog" Scalia


Strom Won't Be Missed



By Christopher George, AlterNet.org
June 27, 2003

Well it finally happened. My home state of South Carolina's most famous (or is that infamous) political figure died at the age of 100.

James Strom Thurmond was born December 5, 1902, when Theodore Roosevelt was president, and over a year before the Wright Brothers historic flight at Kitty Hawk. His political career began when he became superintendent of education in Edgefield County, South Carolina in 1928, and ended after he had served in the Senate for nearly fifty years.

As might be imagined, he is being remembered as a hero in his home state. The local media would have you believe that the earth itself spun only because he willed it to. We have a tendency, as a people, to not speak badly of those who have passed away, but it's important to remember people for who they actually were, not some rose-colored vision of who they were, or pretended to be.

It's with that in mind that I want to paint a picture of what Strom Thurmond really stood for. He was a racist. No amount of sugarcoating or excuse-making can change that. In fact, he was one of the most important figures in the history of the Segregated South.

I've had my fill of people telling me that he was a product of his times and the views he held were almost universally held in the South back then. I'm sorry, but that's just not good enough for me. People can't be excused for a view based solely on the fact that it was a widely held belief.

If segregation is wrong now it was wrong then, and anybody who supported it was wrong. It's really that simple. Besides, we're not talking about just an average Southern citizen; we're talking about a Southern leader.

Thurmond and his political peers were not followers; they were the policymakers. No one forced Thurmond to run a segregationist "Dixiecrat" campaign for president in 1948. No one forced him to give a speech in that same campaign in which he said: "All the laws of Washington and all the bayonets of the Army cannot force the Negro into our homes, into our schools, our churches and our places of recreation and amusement."

Those are not the words of a man caught up in a movement. That's the voice of a man stoking the fires of hate for political gain. After his failed presidential bid, he went on to become the only senator ever elected through a write-in vote in 1954. In 1957 he made history by filibustering a civil-rights bill for 24 hours and 18 minutes. No one forced racist politics on Strom. He championed them of his own free will.

His shift to the Republican Party in 1964 was a watershed moment in Southern politics. He was the first significant Southern Democrat to shift, and he opened the floodgates. His party shift marked the beginning of a complete Southern political shift. Now the South, which was almost exclusively under the control of the Democratic Party fifty years ago, is a Republican stronghold.

Strom's shift wasn't caused by a fundamental change in belief, but was prompted by the Democrats', under Lyndon Johnson, support for civil-rights legislation. The Southern party shift was not prompted by a change in views among the leaders, but was instead a statement of racism.

It's hard to deny that the Strom Thurmond of the 50's and 60's was a leader in the racist politics of the South at that time, and fostered a hatred that still plagues us to this day. Many people choose to forget that Strom Thurmond. I will not.

The Thurmond apologists will then tell me that he reached out to the African-American community after that. He realized the error of his ways and wanted to heal the wounds that he helped cause. After all, they say, he was one of the first Southern Senators to have a black staff member, and he supported a federal holiday for Martin Luther King Jr.

I call bullshit on that. I find it awfully convenient that he had this sudden change of heart around the same time that segregation and civil-rights opposition became unacceptable positions to hold in American politics. Thurmond had been so outspoken in his opposition to civil rights in the past that he could not have survived politically if he hadn't made such a dramatic shift.

Thurmond didn't change, America did. We decided that segregationist views had no place in a rational political debate anymore. All one has to do is witness what happened to Trent Lott when he praised Thurmond's 1948 segregationist presidential campaign. He was abandoned by Democrats and Republicans and forced to resign his leadership position in the Senate. In my opinion, Thurmond's shift on racial issues was about pragmatic politics and not a true change of heart.

Then you have the disgraceful last few years of his last Senate term. A term in which Thurmond had to be helped on and off the Senate floor and was openly told by aides how to vote. This was a mockery of the American legislative process, and was embarrassing to the state of South Carolina. I was glad when his term ended, even though the man that replaced him, Lindsey Graham, was and is a conservative zealot. Graham is at least capable of following the business of the Senate without handlers.

Of course, Thurmond shouldn't get all the blame for the racist policies of the South in the past; there were many people who were more incendiary in their racist comments in those days. I am never more ashamed of my Southern roots than when I think about all the atrocities committed in the days of the civil-rights movement.

Actually, it's not that hard to find people, both old and young, who will privately express the same racial sentiments that became politically unpalatable in the South thirty years ago. Don't believe the "New South" hype; the hate from generations ago is still here, but now it's underground, like a secret that is shared among Southern whites, but one that no one else is supposed to know about.

We have learned to have duality in our views. There's the view that's OK for the yankees and the cameras, then there's the view at the supper table. In this place, where Confederate flags are more common than American flags, a feeling of quiet hatred permeates the humid Southern air. It's all part of the South's lasting legacy of racism, and we can only hope that we can end it over time. Strom Thurmond was a part of that hatred, and his passing is the passing of part of that legacy; for that, I'm grateful.

I expect that local television will continue to be saturated with glowing tributes to the late Sen. Strom Thurmond for some time to come, but I will remember what he truly stood for, and why there are so many tributes to him throughout the state. A man who stood for hate and division has died; may he and his ideals rest in peace.

Comment from me: The world couldn't be a much better place without this sanctimonious asshole, who "bended" when it was an absolute political necessity. And let's not forget that he forced Dubya to hire his son (as a U.S. Attorney in S.C. a few years back) -- still wielding his clout at age 98); btw -- said son was 29 at the time, so was fathered by the 70-year-old ladies' man. Kinda cool that he died a few days after the equal-asshole Lester Maddox, though. Must be a special place in Hell for those two pricks.




Most Shameless Attempt To Save A Company From An Antitrust Conviction

Bill Gates' First~Ever TV Spots, Which Began 4/6/00 (And Failed)


The Club Manager Who Had My Old Band Beaten Up (in 1980)

Pictures Of Kathy With A Wet Top (Revealing Her Best Features)




The Most Irritating Spokes~Animal On TV

That Stupid AFLAC Duck

Close Second: Priceline.com's Octagenarian, Captain James T. Shatner; the damned Chihuahua from fhe Taco Bell ads removed due to retirement

The Worst~Dressed Golfer On The PGA Tour

David Duval

OK, so we all know about "The Man in Black" thing, but come on, Dave ~ how come you spend most of your time chasing "The Man Who Is Black (or at least Pan~Asian Black)," Tiger Woods? Didn't Gary Player already perfect that MIB routine 30 years ago, while his country was killing as every single MWIB as possible, pre~apartheid? Or was that just the South African remake of Birth of a Nation? Plus, you look like a bonier version of PHANTASM's "The Tall Man," Angus Scrimm for cripes' sake. And what exactly is up with those shades? I mean, you wear them even when it's raining! PS: how do get those suckers to stay on your face? Is it really just that long narrow, white~ass beak of yours? After all, those glasses have no stems! Whatcha usin' there, Double D, the same stuff Jennifer Lopez used on her dress to hide her headlights at the Golden Globes? And double~speaking of... ahem, "golden globes"...

Still The Hottest Woman In Cinema This Side Of Ashley Judd

A Famed Niro~Scan of The Luscious Cameron Diaz

As Mark Ramsey noted in an email to me: "My goodness, she seems to have a penis!" Ummm, if that's a penis, Mark, Dave Duval has some specs he can lend you ;)



Watch These TV Shows: They're Funny!

The Simpsons & The Office -- that's pretty much it these days, unless you count the censored versions of Dave Chapelle's show


Ignore These: Not Only Do They Suck,
But They're Costing Serious TV Writers Work

American Idol, Survivor, Dancing With The Stars and the other 1,651 so-called "reality" shows currently muddying our airwaves


Oh yeah -- and why was "Everybody Loves Raymond" -- perennial Emmy nominee and occasional winner and surprisingly high Nielson grabber -- such a huge hit? Why exactly did anyone find this cat funny? And Richard Jeni's "Platypus Man" lasted what, six episodes? Jeezum Crow!



Most Ironic Government Building Name

The J. Edgar Hoover Building

Also~Ran (and Ran and Ran): The Ronald Reagan Federal Building; Ronnie spends his entire political life purportedly trying to rid America of "big government" and what does Congress do? Build a gigantic government building to commemmorate his "legacy." This is a structure even Reagan would've vetoed on principle.


Most Dubious Celebrity Offer To Assist The U.S. Govt.

Elvis Presley: As A "Special" Drug Enforcement Agent

Runner~Up: Frank Sinatra's offer to infiltrate the Communist Party as an informant for the FBI


Amusing or Interesting Areas Where Much Time May Be Wasted ;}


F-Secure's Hoax Warning & Virus Warning Look-Up (PLEASE GO HERE before emailing chain letters)

SpywareBlaster: Prevent Installs of Xupiter, Hotbar & other Spyware FREE

SpyBot: Get Rid of Xupiter, Hotbar & other Spyware FREE (AFTER they've been installed on your PC)

Excellent Netscape FAQ: Free Help for Fixing Netscape Probs

The Degrees of Kevin Bacon: Literally Unbelievable Bacon Lookup

Movie Juice! Mark Ramsey's Hilariously Irreverent Film Site

The Dialectizer: An Absolute Must

Calculate Days/Hours Between Dates

Back~Door Into Several Popular Gaming Sites

Chris Rock's Official Site

Richard Jeni's Official Site

Jim Rome's Jungle, Clones

Detroit Sports Rag ~ Demented and Dead-on Appraisals of D-Town's Sports Scene

William Shatner Sings

The Onion: SPY Magazine~Like Newspaper Satire

David Letterman's Page

David Letterman's Top 10 Lists

The Detroit Red Wings Official Site

The Incomparable Tiger Woods Official Site

The Simpsons "Legal" Home Page

The Simpsons File! The Simpsons File!

Strictly Simpsons Sounds Strictly Simpsons Sounds

Homer Simpson Soundboard (Homer WAVs)

D'oh! Another Simpsons Page!

Adam's Simpson's Site, With TONS Of Linx To Other Simpsons Sites

TV Cop Show Theme Songs from GordonWorld

I Can't Believe It's A Simpsons Site!

OpenSecrets.org: Your Guide to the Money in American Elections

Steve's Tailgating Superstore," if it's for Tailgating, my pal Steve has it

The Guillotine Headquarters (several misspellings & poor grammar but where else can you see how the guillotine was made?)

APB G-Files: Really Impressive "Files from the Government's Vaults" Site (Including Celebrity Mug~Shots)

Slashdot: News For Nerds, Stuff That Matters

NORML: The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws

Lunatic Lounge: Check Out "Trek Love"

The WAV Place: Cool Sounds

My Fave WAVs: More Sound~Bytes

Some Cool ShockWave Stuff

Groucho Marx Slept Here

The Inventor(s) of Television

The Seven Wonders Of The World

Dave Barry Archives

The Webby Awards (Awarded to Allegedly the Best Web Sites)

The Second Coming Project: By Cloning Jesus (not for the deeply religious)

ZDNet: Great Consumer Reviews of Electronics Stuff & More

Epinions.com: Ditto

Rotten.com ~ Oddities not for the faint of heart (or any other body part)

1-800-FLOWERS.com: To clear the stench of Rotten.com

alternet.org: Tremendous political site (if your opinions match mine, that is)

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